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Mine was fucking COSMIC!! I swear to God my goal was to eat until something shut down and right now I'm only able to type this from muscle memory. Turkey Blindness is the SHOT@
I don't know about you guys but Black Friday doesn't seem even a little bit appealing, to me. Has anyone been trampled yet? It's 10am so someone is due for a good old fashioned human-wine making party. I don't even know how a person gets trampled. Did they stop to tie their shoe? I mean when one person falls down what I see in my head is a comic domino effect where everyone trips over the guy in front of them until everyone is picking themselves up and laughing. But the new Devastator transformer is out and I have to wonder if I might just have a better chance of getting my hands on one if I was standing on some poor guys head. That's an extra 6 or 7 inches of reach right there! And while we're on the subject have any desperately misguided fathers who've failed their children in every other aspect of parenting resorted to robbing unsuspecting shoppers in the toy store parking lot in a bid to buy the much coveted love of their children yet? Here's a tip. Put your PS3 in a Coles bag. Do NOT walk out of that mall with a PS3 box under your arm. But don't take my word for it. Ingore my advice if you're feeling brave. By the time you notice their shadow you will already feel the cold tip of a desert eagle pressed against your temple. When you hear a low voice demanding that you "Run that shit!" don't take the time to wonder what the hell that means exactly. Just give him whatever you are holding in your hands and do not make eye contact. I'm not promising you'll live through the encounter. There are other factors to consider.
And what about you ladies? Have any of you wounded any other desperate housewives in the Littlest Pet Shop aisle, yet? Seriously ya'll are deceptively hard CORE about your Christmas! I saw a 90 pound soccer mom drop a war torn battle axe of a woman last year. This broad must have been 185 - 200lbs just barreling through the aisles passing out elbows and body checks like they were candy canes. But soccer mom was what they call scrappy (she obviously did some kind of palates). The trained eye could see that battle axe was a pretty top heavy so all it took was a quick leg sweep and she fell like a ton of Legos. But that wasn't even the worst. Sure, we all thought soccer mom had gotten lucky. It happens. Sometimes the hyena takes out the lion. But then she lifted her little New Balance clad foot and stepped down hard on Battle Axe's exposed neck meat. And when she did it she was looking directly at all the other mothers. She didn't have to take it to that extreme. She could have just grabbed battle axes loot and fled the scene. It would have taken the old bird a while to right herself anyway. But soccer mom had a lot of shopping left to do and she was sending a message. Battle Axe never got up again and the other moms... well now they knew.
The moral of the story is that this holiday season is all about giving not taking. Give as good as you get and don't take no shit from no one! Only the strong can survive the rigors of X-mas X-TREME!!!
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